Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) Don’t bother, I’ll just sit here in the dark. I don’t want to be a burden to anybody.
Sid was lying on his deathbed. Marty, his oldest, was at his side. His wife, Leah was in the kitchen, baking her famous ruggelach. The delicious smell drifted from the kitchen to the bedroom. Sid takes Marty’s hand and says to him, “Marty, be a good boy…go bring me one of Mama’s ruggelach, I should die a happy man with that taste on my tongue…”
So, Marty, being a good boy, goes into the kitchen and reaches for a ruggelach from the plate. Before Marty can even touch it, Mama slaps his hand away.
“Don’t touch those ruggelach!” she says to him.
“But Mama,” says Marty, “It’s for Papa. He only wants to have the taste of your baking on his lips when he dies.”
“Get out of here!!” she scolds, shooing him out. “They’re for the shiva!”
A yiddishe bubbe is sitting on the boardwalk in Brighton Beach. A flasher approaches her and opens his trench coat.
The old woman reaches out and grabs the edge of his coat, looks critically, and says, “You call this a lining?”
Esther, Yetta, and Sadie were sitting around talking about how much their daughters love them.
Esther says, “My Rhoda loves me so much, she just bought me a fur stole!”
Yetta says, “My Sheila loves me so much, she just paid for me to spend a month in an exclusive hotel in Miami Beach.”
Sadie says, “Yeah, yeah…that’s nice. But my Michelle loves me even more than that. Every week she goes to a fancy Park Avenue therapist and pays him $300 a visit, and all she talks about is me!”
Moshe calls his mother and asks, “How are you?”
“Not too good,” she says. “I’m feeling very weak.”
“Why, mother? ”
“Because I haven’t eaten in 23 days,” she says.
Moshe replies, “That’s terrible, mother. Why haven’t you eaten in 23 days?”
She answers, “because I didn’t want my mouth should be filled with food if you should call!”
Sadie is out shopping at Saks 5th Avenue when she bumps into Becky, an old friend of hers. Becky is looking after her two grandchildren while their mother does some shopping on her own.
Sadie says, “Oh Becky, what beautiful children, how old are they?”
“Well,” Becky kvelled, “the lawyer is 6 months and the doctor is 2 years.”
Four Jewish ladies are playing Bridge.
Gilda sighs and says, “Oy…”
Esther nods, sighs, and says, “Oy vey!”
Shana says, “Oy veys meer!”
Rivka chimes in: “Enough talk about the children already. Let’s get back to the game.”
A Jewish man called his mother in Florida.
He said to his mother, “How are you doing?”
She said, “Not too good. I’ve been very weak.”
The son then asked, “Why are you so weak?”
She said, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.”
The son then asked, “Why you haven’t eaten in 38 days!?”
She said, “Because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food when you called.”