No Jewish jokes, just Jewish humor.

Jewish Humor

The Saga of Stands with a Knish

(0) Comment

A band of warriors rides up to the high ridge, the sun at their backs. Their bows and lances are ready as they prepare to attack the foe. These are brave men, owners of many coups and scalps, the ones who are feasted by the village while they boast and proudly sing their brave-heart songs.

One warrior sits to the rear of the column. He is pale and thin but a nice boy nonetheless. He wears horn-rimmed glasses and a sweater so he won’t catch cold. Once, he was sent east to learn the ways of the White Man. Unfortunately he got on the wrong train and arrived not at Dartmouth, but Yeshiva. He now returns to help The People. His name….”Stands with a Knish”.

Their leader, the revered warrior, Crazy Horse, turns and commands with a thunderous voice using words to set the weakest heart ablaze, “Cowards to the rear, brave hearts follow me…this is a GOOD DAY TO DIE!”

Stands with a Knish turns to the man next to him and says, “What is he talking about, ‘this is a good to day to die’? This is a TERRIBLE day to die! It’s hot, it’s dusty, the sun’s too bright and my allergies are acting up. I think yesterday was a much better day to die, don’t you think. Or how about tomorrow? Yeah, I think tomorrow will be a good day to die, too. C’mon, let’s go back to the tipi and eat.”

His comrade looks at Stands and glares reproachfully. “Don’t you know that a true warrior is never afraid of death? After all, only Earth and Sky last forever.”

Stands with a Knish is taken aback. “Oh yeah? Let me tell you about my Aunt Mimi (May she rest). She made latkes that, believe you me, ‘lasted forever’ too. My sister, Doris, and I would swear that she would trot the same ones out every Chanukah for how many years, I can’t remember. My parents would PLOTZ just looking at them! And you know what?….”

By now, Stands is alone on the hill talking to himself while the battle rages in the valley below. As he stops to clean his glasses, the warriors gallop back in triumph. Stands notices something hairy and glistening hanging from the tip of their lances.

“What are those things anyway? They’re what?…. Bist meshugeh! Are you crazy! You can’t walk around with those things! They’re going to attract bugs, mice, germs and the next thing you know, we’ll all get sick! Couldn’t you take something cleaner, like maybe their business cards?”

The warriors roll their eyes at each other and ride off ahead, muttering to themselves. “So much for the White Man’s education,”. It has most certainly ruined their brother, Stands with a Knish.

Needless to say, Stands with a Knish never made it as a warrior. Instead, he went back East, became a respected schochet and married a nice girl from a good Northern Cheyenne and Ashkenazi family.

And Aunt Mimi’s latkes? Well, in truth, they can be found today in the Smithsonian Institute, erroneously exhibited as a genuine Native American artifact.

Thank you, Daniel A. Brown, for submitting this joke.

Category : Jewish Humor

Finding a parking spot

(0) Comment

One day a Jewish man wakes up late for a new job interview. He quickly takes a shower, eats breakfast, and gets into his car. When he finally gets there, he can’t find any parking places. He looks and looks, but he just doesn’t find one.

Finally he prays to God and says, “God if you find me a parking spot, I’ll go to synagogue every Saturday morning and I will never lie again.”

Two minutes later, he finds a parking spot out of the blue and says, “Never mind God. I found one!”

Category : Jewish Humor

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar (1)

(1) Comment

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says, “What is this, some kind of a joke?!”

Category : Jewish Humor

A Rabbi and Priest on a flight to L.A.

(0) Comment

A Rabbi and a Priest begin to poke fun at one another on a flight to Los Angeles.
Priest: Rabbi, I just thought I’d ask if sometime, someplace, you once ate some ham–just to see how it tasted?
Rabbi: Yes, I must confess. I was curious. I did eat some ham, but that was years ago.
Rabbi: Father, may I ask you a question?
Priest: Sure.
Rabbi: Well, Father, did you ever, uh–before you took your vows–have sex with any lovely young lady?
Priest: (After a pause) Uh, yes Rabbi, I have to say that I did.
Rabbi: Sure beats ham doesn’t it?

Category : Jewish Humor

How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?

(0) Comment

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: (Sigh) Don’t bother, I’ll just sit here in the dark. I don’t want to be a burden to anybody.

Category : Jewish Humor | Jewish Mothers

A Priest, a Minister, and a Rabbi discuss what they want people to say when they die

(0) Comment

A Priest, a Minister, and a Rabbi are discussing what they want people to say when their bodies are displayed in open caskets after they die.

The Priest says he would like someone to say, “He was a righteous man, an honest man, and very generous.”

The Minister says he would like someone to say, “He was very kind and fair, and he was very good to his parishioners.”

The Rabbi says he would want someone to say, “OH LOOK! HE’S MOVING!”

Category : Jewish Humor

Mama’s ruggelah

(0) Comment

Sid was lying on his deathbed. Marty, his oldest, was at his side. His wife, Leah was in the kitchen, baking her famous ruggelach. The delicious smell drifted from the kitchen to the bedroom. Sid takes Marty’s hand and says to him, “Marty, be a good boy…go bring me one of Mama’s ruggelach, I should die a happy man with that taste on my tongue…”

So, Marty, being a good boy, goes into the kitchen and reaches for a ruggelach from the plate. Before Marty can even touch it, Mama slaps his hand away.

“Don’t touch those ruggelach!” she says to him.

“But Mama,” says Marty, “It’s for Papa. He only wants to have the taste of your baking on his lips when he dies.”

“Get out of here!!” she scolds, shooing him out. “They’re for the shiva!”

Category : Jewish Humor | Jewish Mothers

The bubbe and the flasher

(0) Comment

A yiddishe bubbe is sitting on the boardwalk in Brighton Beach. A flasher approaches her and opens his trench coat.

The old woman reaches out and grabs the edge of his coat, looks critically, and says, “You call this a lining?”

Category : Jewish Humor | Jewish Mothers

Jewish mothers talk about their daughters’ love

(0) Comment

Esther, Yetta, and Sadie were sitting around talking about how much their daughters love them.

Esther says, “My Rhoda loves me so much, she just bought me a fur stole!”

Yetta says, “My Sheila loves me so much, she just paid for me to spend a month in an exclusive hotel in Miami Beach.”

Sadie says, “Yeah, yeah…that’s nice. But my Michelle loves me even more than that. Every week she goes to a fancy Park Avenue therapist and pays him $300 a visit, and all she talks about is me!”

Category : Jewish Humor | Jewish Mothers

How old are you, Mr. Popowitz

(0) Comment

Mr. Popowitz is called as a witness in a trial.

“How old are you?” asks the prosecutor.

“I am, kaynahoreh, ninety-one,” replied Mr. Popowitz

Confused, the prosecutor said, “Excuse me? What did you say?”

“I said, I am, kaynahoreh, ninety-one years old.”

Frustrated, the prosecutor said, “Sir, please just answer the question with no embellishments. I ask you again, How old are you!?”

“I told you. Kaynahoreh, I’m ninety-one.”

The prosecutor turns toward the judge, rolls his eyes, and throws his hands in the air. “Your honor!”

With his voice raised, the judge addresses Mr. Popitz: “The witness will answer the question simply and plainly or be held in contempt of court!”

The defense lawyer rises from his seat. “Your Honor, I think I can resolve this. May I ask?”

“If you can get this trial moving, please, be my guest,” the judge answers.

The defense lawyer faces the witness, “Mr. Popowitz, let me ask, kaynahoreh, how old are you?”

Popowitz replies, “Ninety-one.”

Category : Jewish Humor