A volcano erupts with a colossal explosion. Scientists predict that within three days, the ensuing giant tsunamis will flood the entire earth, and put all land under water.
The Pope appears on television and encourages everyone to accept Jesus Christ so at least their immortal souls will be saved.
The head Muslim imam also goes on TV to recommend that everybody immediately convert to Islam, so they may spend eternity with Allah.
The Dali Lama appears on TV and urges everyone to become Buddhist, so they may reach Nirvana.
The Chief Rabbi of Israel goes on national TV and says, “We have three days to learn how to live under water.”
A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it’s a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither cleric is hurt. After they crawl out of the remains of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s collar and says, “So you’re a priest. And I’m a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There’s nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and become friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.”
The priest replies, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God.”
The rabbi continues, “And look at this. Here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of schnapps didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this and celebrate our good fortune.”
He offers the bottle to the priest who willingly takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.
The priest asks, ” Aren’t you having any?”
The rabbi replies, “No thanks. I think I’ll wait for the police.”
Poor Lipkowitz was hit by a crosstown bus, and lay in the middle of 57th Street, bruised and bleeding. Pedestrians ran to assist him. A kind woman takes off her sweater, rolls it up and gently lays it under his head.
“Are you comfortable?” she asks.
“I make a living.”
Moshe calls his mother and asks, “How are you?”
“Not too good,” she says. “I’m feeling very weak.”
“Why, mother? ”
“Because I haven’t eaten in 23 days,” she says.
Moshe replies, “That’s terrible, mother. Why haven’t you eaten in 23 days?”
She answers, “because I didn’t want my mouth should be filled with food if you should call!”
Sadie is out shopping at Saks 5th Avenue when she bumps into Becky, an old friend of hers. Becky is looking after her two grandchildren while their mother does some shopping on her own.
Sadie says, “Oh Becky, what beautiful children, how old are they?”
“Well,” Becky kvelled, “the lawyer is 6 months and the doctor is 2 years.”
Joseph had just passed his driving test, so he asked his father, who was a Rabbi, if they could discuss his use of the family car. His father took him to his study and said to him, “Joseph, I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your school grades up, study your Torah, you get your hair cut, and then we’ll discuss your use of the car.”
After about a month, Joseph came back to his father and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. Again, went to his father’s study where his father said, “Joseph, I’ve been very proud of you lately. You have raised your school grades and you’ve studied your Torah diligently. Why haven’t you gotten your hair cut!”
Joseph waited a moment and replied, “You know father, I’ve been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Abraham had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Moses had long hair….”
To which the Rabbi replied, “Yes, and they walked every where they went!”
Moshe goes to meet his new son-in-law to be, Benjy.
He says to Benjy, “So nu, tell me Benjy my boy, what do you do?”
“I study the Torah,” he replies.
“But Benjy, you are going to marry my daughter, how are going to feed and house her?”
“No problem,” says Benjy, “I study Torah and it says God will provide.”
“But you will have children, how will you educate them?” asks Issy.
“No problem,” says Benjy, “I study Torah and it says God will provide.”
When Moshe returns home, his wife anxiously asks him what Benjy is like.
“Well,” says Issy, “he’s a lovely boy. I only just met him and he already thinks I’m God.”
Four Jewish ladies are playing Bridge.
Gilda sighs and says, “Oy…”
Esther nods, sighs, and says, “Oy vey!”
Shana says, “Oy veys meer!”
Rivka chimes in: “Enough talk about the children already. Let’s get back to the game.”
A rabbi and a priest are the lone passengers on a plane. Suddenly, the plane’s engines conk out. Immediately, the priest grabs the pilot’s only extra parachute and jumps out.
The pilot asks the rabbi, “How will you survive?”
The rabbi answers, “Don’t worry about me, the priest took my tallis bag by mistake.”
A Rabbi, a cantor, and a synagogue president were driving to a seminar when they were kidnapped. The hijackers asked the three of them to hand over all of their money and jewelery. When they replied that they hadn’t any, the hijackers told them that immediately after their last wishes were fulfilled, they would be killed.
“My last wish,” began the Rabbi, is to give a fascinating, complicated, long sermon that I have always wanted to but never been allowed to give.”
“We will grant your wish,” the hijackers replied.
“My last wish,” said the cantor, “is to sing a beautiful, Yemenite style song, one of my own compositions lasting two hours. I have never been allowed to sing it.”
“We’ll let you sing it,” replied the hijackers.
“What is your last wish,” the hijackers asked the shul president.
“Please, please shoot me now.”