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A Jewish couple invites their Gentile neighbors over for dinner.

The Jewish woman serves the first course and says, “This is matzo ball soup.” The Gentile man appears a bit squeamish and is hesitant to taste his soup. “Just have a taste,” urges the Jewish woman. “If you don’t like it, you don’t have to finish it.”

Not wanting to insult the hostess, the Gentile man gingerly presses his spoon into a matzo ball and takes a bite. “MMMMMM, it’s so good,” he says and quickly finishes the soup. “This is delicious,” the man says. “Can you eat any other parts of the matzo?”

Sid was lying on his deathbed. Marty, his oldest, was at his side. His wife, Leah was in the kitchen, baking her famous ruggelach. The delicious smell drifted from the kitchen to the bedroom. Sid takes Marty’s hand and says to him, “Marty, be a good boy…go bring me one of Mama’s ruggelach, I should die a happy man with that taste on my tongue…”

So, Marty, being a good boy, goes into the kitchen and reaches for a ruggelach from the plate. Before Marty can even touch it, Mama slaps his hand away.

“Don’t touch those ruggelach!” she says to him.

“But Mama,” says Marty, “It’s for Papa. He only wants to have the taste of your baking on his lips when he dies.”

“Get out of here!!” she scolds, shooing him out. “They’re for the shiva!”

A yiddishe bubbe is sitting on the boardwalk in Brighton Beach. A flasher approaches her and opens his trench coat.

The old woman reaches out and grabs the edge of his coat, looks critically, and says, “You call this a lining?”

Esther, Yetta, and Sadie were sitting around talking about how much their daughters love them.

Esther says, “My Rhoda loves me so much, she just bought me a fur stole!”

Yetta says, “My Sheila loves me so much, she just paid for me to spend a month in an exclusive hotel in Miami Beach.”

Sadie says, “Yeah, yeah…that’s nice. But my Michelle loves me even more than that. Every week she goes to a fancy Park Avenue therapist and pays him $300 a visit, and all she talks about is me!”

Mr. Popowitz is called as a witness in a trial.

“How old are you?” asks the prosecutor.

“I am, kaynahoreh, ninety-one,” replied Mr. Popowitz

Confused, the prosecutor said, “Excuse me? What did you say?”

“I said, I am, kaynahoreh, ninety-one years old.”

Frustrated, the prosecutor said, “Sir, please just answer the question with no embellishments. I ask you again, How old are you!?”

“I told you. Kaynahoreh, I’m ninety-one.”

The prosecutor turns toward the judge, rolls his eyes, and throws his hands in the air. “Your honor!”

With his voice raised, the judge addresses Mr. Popitz: “The witness will answer the question simply and plainly or be held in contempt of court!”

The defense lawyer rises from his seat. “Your Honor, I think I can resolve this. May I ask?”

“If you can get this trial moving, please, be my guest,” the judge answers.

The defense lawyer faces the witness, “Mr. Popowitz, let me ask, kaynahoreh, how old are you?”

Popowitz replies, “Ninety-one.”

A volcano erupts with a colossal explosion. Scientists predict that within three days, the ensuing giant tsunamis will flood the entire earth, and put all land under water.

The Pope appears on television and encourages everyone to accept Jesus Christ so at least their immortal souls will be saved.

The head Muslim imam also goes on TV to recommend that everybody immediately convert to Islam, so they may spend eternity with Allah.

The Dali Lama appears on TV and urges everyone to become Buddhist, so they may reach Nirvana.

The Chief Rabbi of Israel goes on national TV and says, “We have three days to learn how to live under water.”

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it’s a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither cleric is hurt. After they crawl out of the remains of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s collar and says, “So you’re a priest. And I’m a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There’s nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and become friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.”

The priest replies, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God.”

The rabbi continues, “And look at this. Here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of schnapps didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this and celebrate our good fortune.”

He offers the bottle to the priest who willingly takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.

The priest asks, ” Aren’t you having any?”

The rabbi replies, “No thanks. I think I’ll wait for the police.”

Poor Lipkowitz was hit by a crosstown bus, and lay in the middle of 57th Street, bruised and bleeding. Pedestrians ran to assist him. A kind woman takes off her sweater, rolls it up and gently lays it under his head.

“Are you comfortable?” she asks.

“I make a living.”

Moshe calls his mother and asks, “How are you?”
“Not too good,” she says. “I’m feeling very weak.”
“Why, mother? ”
“Because I haven’t eaten in 23 days,” she says.
Moshe replies, “That’s terrible, mother. Why haven’t you eaten in 23 days?”
She answers, “because I didn’t want my mouth should be filled with food if you should call!”

Moshe calls his mother and asks, “How are you?”
“Not too good,” she says. “I’m feeling very weak.”
“Why, mother? ”
“Because I haven’t eaten in 23 days,” she says.
Moshe replies, “That’s terrible, mother. Why haven’t you eaten in 23 days?”
She answers, “because I didn’t want my mouth should be filled with food if you should call!”