Author Archive

Sadie is out shopping at Saks 5th Avenue when she bumps into Becky, an old friend of hers. Becky is looking after her two grandchildren while their mother does some shopping on her own.

Sadie says, “Oh Becky, what beautiful children, how old are they?”

“Well,” Becky kvelled, “the lawyer is 6 months and the doctor is 2 years.”

Yenta. Shmeer. Gevalt.
Shlemiel. Shlimazl. Meshuganah
Oy! To be fluent!

Joseph had just passed his driving test, so he asked his father, who was a Rabbi, if they could discuss his use of the family car. His father took him to his study and said to him, “Joseph, I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your school grades up, study your Torah, you get your hair cut, and then we’ll discuss your use of the car.”

After about a month, Joseph came back to his father and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. Again, went to his father’s study where his father said, “Joseph, I’ve been very proud of you lately. You have raised your school grades and you’ve studied your Torah diligently. Why haven’t you gotten your hair cut!”

Joseph waited a moment and replied, “You know father, I’ve been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Abraham had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Moses had long hair….”

To which the Rabbi replied, “Yes, and they walked every where they went!”

Moshe goes to meet his new son-in-law to be, Benjy.
He says to Benjy, “So nu, tell me Benjy my boy, what do you do?”
“I study the Torah,” he replies.
“But Benjy, you are going to marry my daughter, how are going to feed and house her?”
“No problem,” says Benjy, “I study Torah and it says God will provide.”
“But you will have children, how will you educate them?” asks Issy.
“No problem,” says Benjy, “I study Torah and it says God will provide.”
When Moshe returns home, his wife anxiously asks him what Benjy is like.
“Well,” says Issy, “he’s a lovely boy. I only just met him and he already thinks I’m God.”

Four Jewish ladies are playing Bridge.
Gilda sighs and says, “Oy…”
Esther nods, sighs, and says, “Oy vey!”
Shana says, “Oy veys meer!”
Rivka chimes in: “Enough talk about the children already. Let’s get back to the game.”

A rabbi and a priest are the lone passengers on a plane. Suddenly, the plane’s engines conk out. Immediately, the priest grabs the pilot’s only extra parachute and jumps out.
The pilot asks the rabbi, “How will you survive?”
The rabbi answers, “Don’t worry about me, the priest took my tallis bag by mistake.”

A Rabbi, a cantor, and a synagogue president were driving to a seminar when they were kidnapped. The hijackers asked the three of them to hand over all of their money and jewelery. When they replied that they hadn’t any, the hijackers told them that immediately after their last wishes were fulfilled, they would be killed.
“My last wish,” began the Rabbi, is to give a fascinating, complicated, long sermon that I have always wanted to but never been allowed to give.”
“We will grant your wish,” the hijackers replied.
“My last wish,” said the cantor, “is to sing a beautiful, Yemenite style song, one of my own compositions lasting two hours. I have never been allowed to sing it.”
“We’ll let you sing it,” replied the hijackers.
“What is your last wish,” the hijackers asked the shul president.
“Please, please shoot me now.”

A Jewish man called his mother in Florida.
He said to his mother, “How are you doing?”
She said, “Not too good. I’ve been very weak.”
The son then asked, “Why are you so weak?”
She said, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.”
The son then asked, “Why you haven’t eaten in 38 days!?”
She said, “Because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food when you called.”

Hey! Get back indoors!
Whatever you were doing
could put an eye out.

Today I’m a man.
On Monday I will return
to the seventh grade.